My heart is Anne Frank and potential relationships are Nazis at this point.
I have had eight boyfriends in my life. The real kind, not the “grade school-I like you this week” kind. Seven of them physically cheated on me. Three of them cheated with friends of mine. One of them decided not to marry me after his best friend (his still enamored ex) told him not to. One of them managed to to have a relationship with me and another girl for a good two years before either of us realized what was going on.
I have had ZERO faithful men in my life.When I asked one of them why, I was told “Being with you is too easy.” And “It’s like we were already married and I didn’t have to worry about anything.”
Oh, being with me must have been horrible for those boyfriends- faithfulness and honesty (on my part, at least,) support, affection, without drama and with open communication? Horrible.
So finally, just shy of 25, with about ten years left of solid fertility- I have come to a solidified conclusion of my romantic life. And surprisingly- it’s not that all men are horrible, vile cheaters.
I am not the girlfriend type- I’m the marriage type. Which means finding a boyfriend, to me, is one of the worst possible things I could do. Yes, I have to have a boyfriend before I have a fiance’ and I have to have a fiance’ before I have a husband. I don’t mean I plan to marry the next guy for whom I develop feelings…but I need to stop forming relationships with men until I find an actual potential husband.
So, what do I want in a potential husband?
I want a man who is honest. A man who gets over his foolish pride when he’s made a mistake and owns up to it right away, without me having to confront him.
I want a man who communicates. A man who doesn’t hide feelings or thoughts that affect me.
I want a man who cherishes me. A man who never makes me feel like a placeholder until something better comes along.
I want a man who never puts me down. A man who doesn’t tell me he needs to “knock my ego down a few pegs to keep me in line.” A man who will never call me stupid.
I want a man who will not take advantage of me. A man who doesn’t use the issues I face with scars of child abuse to his own personal gain.
I want a man who won’t tell me what to do. A man who realizes he is my partner…not my boss.
I want a man who is loyal. A man who will never stray to the lips, body, or lure of another woman- a man who while is mine, is mine alone.
I want a man who makes me feel beautiful. A man who doesn’t tell me how attractive other women are all the time, while ignoring my feelings with a pale comparison of compliments.
I want a man who notices me, really notices me. A man who can see how brilliant I am though I hide it, that I am stronger than I am given credit, that I have a heart capable of loving even the most vile of people.
I want a man who appreciates my tears. A man who doesn’t roll his eyes as I sob over an innocent man being put to death,or piles of bodies amongst garbage in Egypt- a man who holds me during those times instead of telling me “That’s just how it is.”
I want a man who supports me. A man who will help me tape my fingers when I’ve been playing guitar for far too long rather than telling me to take a break- a man who will never push me to have any more communication with my family than what I’m comfortable with- a man who understands that the healing process of having survived child abuse can not be rushed.
I want a man who will be a good father. A man who will never hit a child, who will never ignore a child, who is selfless enough to give them what they deserve out of life.
I want a man who cares more about life and less about money. A man who holds no value over expensive things- a man who will walk with me in a forest more than a department store. A man who will never make me feel like less of a person during times of unemployment.
I want a man who will never make me feel guilty when I’m sick. A man who realizes health problems do not define a person, or take away any of their worth- a man who understands my food limits are not a choice.
I want a man who will love me. A man who really loves me, for all that I am…and all that I am not.
Is that really asking for too much?